by: Steve Hawker
I went shopping with my wife the other day, to a British city centre nearby. My ordeal lasted ten hours. During many idle moments, I compiled this rough guide for shoppers who are unsure whether to shop online or offline in future.
I decided that shoppers SHOULD shop offline, at a nearby shopping centre, if they:
* Enjoy getting up early, to drive through slow-moving traffic and secure cheap parking places.
* Aren't too worried if their parked cars are scratched or bumped anonymously whilst they're out shopping.
* Thrive outdoors in the British climate, and are impervious to rain, hail, snow, wind, heat, frost, fog etc.
* Welcome walking from shop to shop, to find what they or their partner needs, at the best prices.
* Don't panic when their partner says that s/he wants to try an eighth store for a 'special something'.
* Like driving and/or walking back to stores, if goods are faulty, the wrong size or they forget something.
* View the carrying of heavy plastic bags, which slice into their hands, as a form of exercise.
* See avoiding pickpockets, thieves and robbers as a bit of 'sport' too.
* Tolerate sinister young men with a taste for beer, lurking in boisterous groups on street corners.
* Humour young parents with 4x4 buggies and/or unruly, unrestrained toddlers that scream loudly.
* Think retired people should only go shopping at the weekends and in the evenings, at the same time as people who work.
* Believe wide friends have the right to amble slowly side-by-side, in ways that block pavements and passageways.
* Don't mind being buffeted by other hungry shoppers, also trying to secure tables at eating outlets.
* Shrug-off the astronomic prices in shopping centres, for snacks and drinks of indifferent quality.
* Enjoy dodging cars, vans and lorries, and feel they belong in city centres during shopping hours.
* Think that second-hand cigarette smoke and vehicle fumes add a 'certain something' to shopping.
* Relish sharing strangers' viruses, bacteria, body odours, exotic language, odd habits etc.
* Are tolerant of shop assistants' occasional bad manners, surly behaviour and incompetence.
* Like queuing, smelly toilets and litter, and/or removing dog mess and chewing gum from shoes or buggy wheels.
* Enjoy finding quiet spots in otherwise confined, crowded and claustrophobic public spaces.
* Think graffiti really is an art form, and smile when shop maintenance goes unattended for weeks.
* Shrug their shoulders if shops open only when it's convenient for owners, staff (and politicians).
* Remove carefully the flyers left furtively under their windscreen wipers whilst parked and read them avidly later.
I could go on but, if you identify yourself with most of these phenomena, then you probably should shop at a shopping centre nearby. If, like me though, you find many of them irksome, you might consider shopping online instead next time!
About The Author
Steve Hawker is a partner at http://www.ehawker.co.uk E-mail him at: info at ehawker.co.uk © Steve Hawker 2005. All rights reserved. This article must be reproduced in its entirity, including this biography.
Friday, June 15, 2007
How To Get Even With Starbucks!
by: Craig Garber
I am not a patient man.
Nor am I overly devious.
So although I haven't personally experienced the following hijinx, I have watched a guy I know go through this ritual, several times.
Plus, I hate Starbucks coffee. It's way too "acidy" and expensive for me. It's not that I'm a cheapskate, not by a longshot -- I just struggle with paying $3 bucks a cup for bad coffee.
I'm much more of a "Dunkin' Donuts" kind of guy.
Anyway, there are 2 proven ways of "beating" Starbucks out of your daily cup of coffee.
Today I'm going to tell you one of them.
And like I said, I haven't seen this done HUNDREDS of times, but I have seen it done at least twice, and my buddy's reassured me he's pulled this stunt, at least 25 or 30 times.
What you do is, you go into Starbucks and order your coffee or your latte or whatever else it is you like to drink -- preferably earlier on in the morning -- and you pay for it using a $100 Dollar bill.
Most of the time, they either will not be able to make change for you, or they simply aren't allowed to take large bills, and what'll happen is...
Your coffee will be free!
Not a marketing tip, but judging from the lines I see at literally every single Starbucks I pass...
A valuable... piece of information... nonetheless!
Now go sell something,
Craig Garber http://www.KingOfCopy.com
P.S. Check out all the prior archives you've been missing, right here at: http://www.kingofcopy.com/tips/tiparchives.html
P.P.S. If you know someone who could benefit from this tip, then do the right thing and forward this tip on to them, right NOW!
About The Author
Craig Garber is America's Top Direct-Response Copywriter. Subscribe to his FREE daily controversial direct-response copywriting and marketing tips that dramatically boost your sales and your response rates, right here: http://www.kingofcopy.com
I am not a patient man.
Nor am I overly devious.
So although I haven't personally experienced the following hijinx, I have watched a guy I know go through this ritual, several times.
Plus, I hate Starbucks coffee. It's way too "acidy" and expensive for me. It's not that I'm a cheapskate, not by a longshot -- I just struggle with paying $3 bucks a cup for bad coffee.
I'm much more of a "Dunkin' Donuts" kind of guy.
Anyway, there are 2 proven ways of "beating" Starbucks out of your daily cup of coffee.
Today I'm going to tell you one of them.
And like I said, I haven't seen this done HUNDREDS of times, but I have seen it done at least twice, and my buddy's reassured me he's pulled this stunt, at least 25 or 30 times.
What you do is, you go into Starbucks and order your coffee or your latte or whatever else it is you like to drink -- preferably earlier on in the morning -- and you pay for it using a $100 Dollar bill.
Most of the time, they either will not be able to make change for you, or they simply aren't allowed to take large bills, and what'll happen is...
Your coffee will be free!
Not a marketing tip, but judging from the lines I see at literally every single Starbucks I pass...
A valuable... piece of information... nonetheless!
Now go sell something,
Craig Garber http://www.KingOfCopy.com
P.S. Check out all the prior archives you've been missing, right here at: http://www.kingofcopy.com/tips/tiparchives.html
P.P.S. If you know someone who could benefit from this tip, then do the right thing and forward this tip on to them, right NOW!
About The Author
Craig Garber is America's Top Direct-Response Copywriter. Subscribe to his FREE daily controversial direct-response copywriting and marketing tips that dramatically boost your sales and your response rates, right here: http://www.kingofcopy.com
The Food Pyramid
by: Bob Wood
Just a few calories ago, the government revised the food pyramid. You can see it at http://www.mypyramid.gov/
It has a snazzy new logo with a stick figure dashing up the Steps To a Healthier You on the side of the pyramid. It’s supposed to be in better tune with our complicated modern life, the latest Scientific Thought, and reflect a customized pyramid which better fits our lifestyle, not that there’s anything wrong with that. They have an animation, a mini-poster for the art-impaired, and, “a wealth of ideas to help you get started to a healthier diet.”
In better tune – with modern life? Then why a pyramid? Isn’t that Egypto-elitist? Doesn’t that perhaps reflect a suspect cash infusion from the travel industry? How many people will EVER run up a pyramid? And if they do, why aren’t they carrying a six pack of bottled water? “Water, the Almost Food.” Because the water lobby is weak, that’s why.
See, that’s what’s wrong with government – no big thinkers. All around us we see sellouts and commercialization: Product placement; Endorsements; Co-promotions; Synergism! But does the government see this? Noooo. Instead of cribbing money from this or that entitlement program, why not some good old entrepreneurship in our leadership! What do you think McDonalds would pay to have that stickfigure run up the GOLDEN ARCHES?
But I wonder if the department of food thought this through? There could be a stickfigure of a mom in a stick minivan (note: sell van logo) or a guy carrying a laptop (note: sell computer logo) racing to catch a train (note: place Amtrak logo), while talking on his cellphone (note: sell cellphone logo). Boggles the mind, doesn’t it? THINK of the monetization possibilities which could all go to reducing the budget deficit!
And while we are free-thinking here, why not go wild and sell advertising space on the one, five and ten dollar bill? Some court is going to strike down In God We Trust anyway. Consider: “Reach Out and Touch Someone – AT&T.” Wouldn’t they pay a billion for umpteen gazillion impressions? And here’s the best part – those bills have a limited lifetime. The treasury is ALWAYS taking old worn out ones out of the supply and printing new ones. How many OTHER advertisers would wait in LINE? What do you think Target would pay to replace that odd eye and triangle with the Target logo bullseye? And why show an old building on the rear of the $10? Why not show the latest Las Vegas resort? Keep the Eagle. What do you think PETSMART would pay for a little banner?
But back to the Food Pyramid. Why not monetize “calories”? What would McDonalds pay to change the word to “McNutrients?”
Of course, we’d need an Office of Promotional Tie-In. I think $500,000,000 would get it kick started. Hey, why do we need zeros? They could just as well be tiny Target logos.
About The Author
Bob Wood hosts two blogs and one website. His musings on everyday life, filtered through a wry sense of humor are at http://www.woodsgoods.blogspot.com. His home theater news is at http://www.woodsgoods2.blogspot.com and his site devoted to guiding folks through the purchase and setup of Home Theater is at http://www.GreatHomeTheater.com.
Just a few calories ago, the government revised the food pyramid. You can see it at http://www.mypyramid.gov/
It has a snazzy new logo with a stick figure dashing up the Steps To a Healthier You on the side of the pyramid. It’s supposed to be in better tune with our complicated modern life, the latest Scientific Thought, and reflect a customized pyramid which better fits our lifestyle, not that there’s anything wrong with that. They have an animation, a mini-poster for the art-impaired, and, “a wealth of ideas to help you get started to a healthier diet.”
In better tune – with modern life? Then why a pyramid? Isn’t that Egypto-elitist? Doesn’t that perhaps reflect a suspect cash infusion from the travel industry? How many people will EVER run up a pyramid? And if they do, why aren’t they carrying a six pack of bottled water? “Water, the Almost Food.” Because the water lobby is weak, that’s why.
See, that’s what’s wrong with government – no big thinkers. All around us we see sellouts and commercialization: Product placement; Endorsements; Co-promotions; Synergism! But does the government see this? Noooo. Instead of cribbing money from this or that entitlement program, why not some good old entrepreneurship in our leadership! What do you think McDonalds would pay to have that stickfigure run up the GOLDEN ARCHES?
But I wonder if the department of food thought this through? There could be a stickfigure of a mom in a stick minivan (note: sell van logo) or a guy carrying a laptop (note: sell computer logo) racing to catch a train (note: place Amtrak logo), while talking on his cellphone (note: sell cellphone logo). Boggles the mind, doesn’t it? THINK of the monetization possibilities which could all go to reducing the budget deficit!
And while we are free-thinking here, why not go wild and sell advertising space on the one, five and ten dollar bill? Some court is going to strike down In God We Trust anyway. Consider: “Reach Out and Touch Someone – AT&T.” Wouldn’t they pay a billion for umpteen gazillion impressions? And here’s the best part – those bills have a limited lifetime. The treasury is ALWAYS taking old worn out ones out of the supply and printing new ones. How many OTHER advertisers would wait in LINE? What do you think Target would pay to replace that odd eye and triangle with the Target logo bullseye? And why show an old building on the rear of the $10? Why not show the latest Las Vegas resort? Keep the Eagle. What do you think PETSMART would pay for a little banner?
But back to the Food Pyramid. Why not monetize “calories”? What would McDonalds pay to change the word to “McNutrients?”
Of course, we’d need an Office of Promotional Tie-In. I think $500,000,000 would get it kick started. Hey, why do we need zeros? They could just as well be tiny Target logos.
About The Author
Bob Wood hosts two blogs and one website. His musings on everyday life, filtered through a wry sense of humor are at http://www.woodsgoods.blogspot.com. His home theater news is at http://www.woodsgoods2.blogspot.com and his site devoted to guiding folks through the purchase and setup of Home Theater is at http://www.GreatHomeTheater.com.
Double Peppermint Schnapps on the Rocks
by: Kingston Amadan
Many years ago when I was young, attractive and a viable commodity on the dating market, I was employed as a bartender. Believe it or not, I actually went to "school" to learn this trade. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I decided to attend a local bartending academy (translated - you pay us and we'll get you a job as a bartender). Six years, 50,000 bottles of Bud Light and several hundred Captain and cokes later I finally hung up my shaker, but not before I learned a valuable trick ot two about meeting other singles at a club. The three peices of wisdom I feel safe imparting with are as follows:
# 1 Never go alone
#2 Pretend you don't care if you meet someone or not (even though we both know what you are there for, you slut) AND...
#3 Double peppermint shnapps on the rocks
OK, 1 and 2 are fairly simple to understand...but what's up with number 3, you ask?
It's simple, really. You've shown up looking like a million dollars (or $138.57 in my case). You make eye contact with the guy or girl you want to meet. You finally muster up the courage to go over and introduce yourself and then what do you do? Of course...you lean in and turn your head so as not to expose your future victim to the intoxicating mix of cheap beer and saliva your teeth are fermenting in. Why do you do this? You do it because YOU KNOW your breath is bad. How could it not be? Most mixed drinks, beer and liquors aren't doing your delivery any favors. So what's the solution? Double peppermint schnapps on the rocks. I remember vividly that one gentleman at a nightclub I worked at always ordered it, every single time he came in. Guess what...he never went home alone unless he wanted to. Let's face it, you wouldn't immediately dismiss a man or woman who slurred his or her speech while hitting on you but you would put the kabash on a bad breath encounter quicker than you could say "last call". No one likes to see someone at their worst, but to smell someone at their worst is far more disgusting. So the next time you go to the club looking for a romantic encounter, order the one drink that might help you out. If you really want to be safe, send one over to the table of the person you are interested in before you take that long walk over to make your case. Good luck and good breath.
About The Author
Kingston Amadan
A BadBreathOGram is an e-mail you send to someone who you want to know has bad breath but you do not want to confront directly. Give it a try. http://www.badbreathogram.com/.
Many years ago when I was young, attractive and a viable commodity on the dating market, I was employed as a bartender. Believe it or not, I actually went to "school" to learn this trade. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I decided to attend a local bartending academy (translated - you pay us and we'll get you a job as a bartender). Six years, 50,000 bottles of Bud Light and several hundred Captain and cokes later I finally hung up my shaker, but not before I learned a valuable trick ot two about meeting other singles at a club. The three peices of wisdom I feel safe imparting with are as follows:
# 1 Never go alone
#2 Pretend you don't care if you meet someone or not (even though we both know what you are there for, you slut) AND...
#3 Double peppermint shnapps on the rocks
OK, 1 and 2 are fairly simple to understand...but what's up with number 3, you ask?
It's simple, really. You've shown up looking like a million dollars (or $138.57 in my case). You make eye contact with the guy or girl you want to meet. You finally muster up the courage to go over and introduce yourself and then what do you do? Of course...you lean in and turn your head so as not to expose your future victim to the intoxicating mix of cheap beer and saliva your teeth are fermenting in. Why do you do this? You do it because YOU KNOW your breath is bad. How could it not be? Most mixed drinks, beer and liquors aren't doing your delivery any favors. So what's the solution? Double peppermint schnapps on the rocks. I remember vividly that one gentleman at a nightclub I worked at always ordered it, every single time he came in. Guess what...he never went home alone unless he wanted to. Let's face it, you wouldn't immediately dismiss a man or woman who slurred his or her speech while hitting on you but you would put the kabash on a bad breath encounter quicker than you could say "last call". No one likes to see someone at their worst, but to smell someone at their worst is far more disgusting. So the next time you go to the club looking for a romantic encounter, order the one drink that might help you out. If you really want to be safe, send one over to the table of the person you are interested in before you take that long walk over to make your case. Good luck and good breath.
About The Author
Kingston Amadan
A BadBreathOGram is an e-mail you send to someone who you want to know has bad breath but you do not want to confront directly. Give it a try. http://www.badbreathogram.com/.
Bad Breath Terminology
by: Kingston Amadan
We all know someone who has bad breath. Still, you may not be current on all the slang associated with this unfortunate condition. Not to worry, my friend. I am here to provide you with more than a few descriptive phrases to use when referring to recurring bad breath, also known as halitosis. This is not meant to be amusing, but rather meant to provide a public service to those who want to classify people around them who have bad breath without appearing to be out of the loop. The last thing I want you to do is blurt out that someone simply has "bad breath" as that can be an unforgiveable social faux pas in the wrong crowd. To be safe, please refer to this list describing the malady in more current terms.
When someone exhibits bad breath, it is now said that they are:
A) farting topside
B) leaking some limburger
C) melting the moustache
D) burning tires on their tongue
E) polluting the local environment
F) exploring the limits of personal space with every exhalation
Just think of how much more poignant these remarks will be than the old standard of, "so and so has bad breath". Now you too can appear "bad breath" savvy when reporting the condition. No need to thank me for this, helping others is what I do. I don't recommend that you make these comment to the offending person, as they might give the impression of a lack of tact on your part. Besides, telling someone they have bad breath isn't nearly as fun as telling someone else about them. Of course, no one would do this for the simple joy of gossiping about another's misfortune. Like me, I'm certain you would merely be passing along vital information in the hope that it would work its way around to the intended recipient. This way, you have absolved yourself of the serious responsibility of telling someone their breath offends and placed that burden not so squarely on the shoulders of a mutual acquaintance. Devilishly brilliant, in my opinion.
About The Author
Kingston Amadan
A BadBreathOGram is an e-mail you send to someone who you want to know has bad breath but you do not want to confront directly. Give it a try. http://www.badbreathogram.com/.
We all know someone who has bad breath. Still, you may not be current on all the slang associated with this unfortunate condition. Not to worry, my friend. I am here to provide you with more than a few descriptive phrases to use when referring to recurring bad breath, also known as halitosis. This is not meant to be amusing, but rather meant to provide a public service to those who want to classify people around them who have bad breath without appearing to be out of the loop. The last thing I want you to do is blurt out that someone simply has "bad breath" as that can be an unforgiveable social faux pas in the wrong crowd. To be safe, please refer to this list describing the malady in more current terms.
When someone exhibits bad breath, it is now said that they are:
A) farting topside
B) leaking some limburger
C) melting the moustache
D) burning tires on their tongue
E) polluting the local environment
F) exploring the limits of personal space with every exhalation
Just think of how much more poignant these remarks will be than the old standard of, "so and so has bad breath". Now you too can appear "bad breath" savvy when reporting the condition. No need to thank me for this, helping others is what I do. I don't recommend that you make these comment to the offending person, as they might give the impression of a lack of tact on your part. Besides, telling someone they have bad breath isn't nearly as fun as telling someone else about them. Of course, no one would do this for the simple joy of gossiping about another's misfortune. Like me, I'm certain you would merely be passing along vital information in the hope that it would work its way around to the intended recipient. This way, you have absolved yourself of the serious responsibility of telling someone their breath offends and placed that burden not so squarely on the shoulders of a mutual acquaintance. Devilishly brilliant, in my opinion.
About The Author
Kingston Amadan
A BadBreathOGram is an e-mail you send to someone who you want to know has bad breath but you do not want to confront directly. Give it a try. http://www.badbreathogram.com/.
Balloon Animals
by: Michael Floyd
More then ever before, I have seen the rise in restaurants providing table side entertainment. While you wait to be seated, or for your meal to come, you can be entertained by a skilled magician or a fancy balloon animal.
This is wonderful. It provides the restaurant with a bit more time to get everything ready, it helps pass the time for the customers and the performers usually gets a nice tip.
As you have probably guessed by now, I am a performer. I twist balloon animals and cartoon parodies. They are quite wonderful. But I can’t help but wonder why I am tipped the same for a one balloon dog as I am for a 12 balloon monster truck that takes considerable amount of time. I understand that there are some who are only skilled enough to make a balloon dog. I think that there should be a difference in what he is tipped and what I am tipped.
What determines what someone is tipped? Is it the amount of skill they have at their craft? Is it how fervently they worked to please you? Or is it simply the lowest amount that you think you can get away with?
Well for those whose policy is the latter, I have bad news for you. Poor tipping leads to Balloon Flatulence.
About The Author
Michael Floyd
I have been twisting balloon since 1999. I entertain kids and adults through humor and my skills at folding latex into various shapes. I attended DeVry University to my detriment. I also work as a computer programmer.
http://www.ask-the-monkey.com
More then ever before, I have seen the rise in restaurants providing table side entertainment. While you wait to be seated, or for your meal to come, you can be entertained by a skilled magician or a fancy balloon animal.
This is wonderful. It provides the restaurant with a bit more time to get everything ready, it helps pass the time for the customers and the performers usually gets a nice tip.
As you have probably guessed by now, I am a performer. I twist balloon animals and cartoon parodies. They are quite wonderful. But I can’t help but wonder why I am tipped the same for a one balloon dog as I am for a 12 balloon monster truck that takes considerable amount of time. I understand that there are some who are only skilled enough to make a balloon dog. I think that there should be a difference in what he is tipped and what I am tipped.
What determines what someone is tipped? Is it the amount of skill they have at their craft? Is it how fervently they worked to please you? Or is it simply the lowest amount that you think you can get away with?
Well for those whose policy is the latter, I have bad news for you. Poor tipping leads to Balloon Flatulence.
About The Author
Michael Floyd
I have been twisting balloon since 1999. I entertain kids and adults through humor and my skills at folding latex into various shapes. I attended DeVry University to my detriment. I also work as a computer programmer.
http://www.ask-the-monkey.com
Fun Ideas For The Holidays
by: John Kinde
The holiday season is a great time to share some smiles and laughs! And holiday humor helps you develop a well-tuned humor radar.
1. Have a humorous gift exchange at your holiday party. This works great if you have a healthy humor climate where people use humor in a positive way.
2. Just before the holidays, encourage people to bring some of their favorite ethnic holiday treats to work or one of your group meetings. Coming from a Norwegian background, I'd bring rosettes, fatigmand and lefse.
3. Decorate a tree for the holidays with a humorous flair. For example, a car dealership could decorate a tree using car parts. If you travel a lot, collect fun trinkets from your trips to brighten your tree.
4. Save the holiday cards you receive this year and "recycle" them next year. Just cross out the sender's signature, sign your name, and mail it back to the person who gave it to you. You'll start a humorous tradition. I do not recommend sharing this humorous exchange with everyone you get a card from. Be selective!
5. Look for opportunities to take a funny photo of yourself, your staff, or your family. Then use it on a photo holiday greeting card. I've sent a photo card sharing my Halloween costume as a power-nerd.
6. Create your own customized gift wrap. For example, on a large-sheet photo copier you could make personalized wrapping paper decorated with family photos or pictures from your office.
7. Wrap a holiday gift in a "nest of boxes" (a small box in a larger box, in a larger box, etc). When the large box is opened by the recipient, the box inside is addressed to someone else. And the next box is addressed to someone else! The final box indicates who really receives the gift; a "musical chairs" style of gift exchange. A nice touch is to give a gift in the final box that can be enjoyed by the whole group. For example, in a family situation, the final box may have Mom's name on it, but contain a trip to Disneyland for the whole family. This is fun because everyone shared in opening the gift.
8. Make extra effort to guarantee that your holiday party is FUN. People won't remember a chicken dinner a year from now. But they'll always remember when they've had a great time and spent the evening laughing together. Your investment making sure the event is entertaining gives you great returns in goodwill and valuable experience in the planning process.
9. Assign a committee to prepare some holiday fun. Write a script filled with humor about your company and people you work with. Write a song parody of one of your favorite holiday tunes which is a tribute to your staff. Present it at a holiday party, or post it on a bulletin board in your office.
10. Remember the true sprit of the holidays. Tis the season to be jolly! Decorate your face with a smile and share it with others.
About The Author
Copyright 2005 by John Kinde
John Kinde is a humor specialist who has been in the training and speaking business for over 30 years specializing in teambuilding, customer service and stress management. Free newsletter and articles are available at http://www.HumorPower.com.
The holiday season is a great time to share some smiles and laughs! And holiday humor helps you develop a well-tuned humor radar.
1. Have a humorous gift exchange at your holiday party. This works great if you have a healthy humor climate where people use humor in a positive way.
2. Just before the holidays, encourage people to bring some of their favorite ethnic holiday treats to work or one of your group meetings. Coming from a Norwegian background, I'd bring rosettes, fatigmand and lefse.
3. Decorate a tree for the holidays with a humorous flair. For example, a car dealership could decorate a tree using car parts. If you travel a lot, collect fun trinkets from your trips to brighten your tree.
4. Save the holiday cards you receive this year and "recycle" them next year. Just cross out the sender's signature, sign your name, and mail it back to the person who gave it to you. You'll start a humorous tradition. I do not recommend sharing this humorous exchange with everyone you get a card from. Be selective!
5. Look for opportunities to take a funny photo of yourself, your staff, or your family. Then use it on a photo holiday greeting card. I've sent a photo card sharing my Halloween costume as a power-nerd.
6. Create your own customized gift wrap. For example, on a large-sheet photo copier you could make personalized wrapping paper decorated with family photos or pictures from your office.
7. Wrap a holiday gift in a "nest of boxes" (a small box in a larger box, in a larger box, etc). When the large box is opened by the recipient, the box inside is addressed to someone else. And the next box is addressed to someone else! The final box indicates who really receives the gift; a "musical chairs" style of gift exchange. A nice touch is to give a gift in the final box that can be enjoyed by the whole group. For example, in a family situation, the final box may have Mom's name on it, but contain a trip to Disneyland for the whole family. This is fun because everyone shared in opening the gift.
8. Make extra effort to guarantee that your holiday party is FUN. People won't remember a chicken dinner a year from now. But they'll always remember when they've had a great time and spent the evening laughing together. Your investment making sure the event is entertaining gives you great returns in goodwill and valuable experience in the planning process.
9. Assign a committee to prepare some holiday fun. Write a script filled with humor about your company and people you work with. Write a song parody of one of your favorite holiday tunes which is a tribute to your staff. Present it at a holiday party, or post it on a bulletin board in your office.
10. Remember the true sprit of the holidays. Tis the season to be jolly! Decorate your face with a smile and share it with others.
About The Author
Copyright 2005 by John Kinde
John Kinde is a humor specialist who has been in the training and speaking business for over 30 years specializing in teambuilding, customer service and stress management. Free newsletter and articles are available at http://www.HumorPower.com.
Your Holiday To-Don't List: Key to Surviving Obsessive Giving Disorder
by: Joan Bechtel
The gods don’t ask for human sacrifice anymore, do they? Then why do millions of women turn themselves into burnt offerings each winter?
It hits about mid-November: Obsessive Giving Disorder. Turning ordinary women into Nurturing Ninjas. Hopped-up on hospitality hormones, they launch into a frenzy of baking, shopping, decorating, crocheting, hosting, serving, costuming, shopping, wrapping, preserving and worshipping madly at the altar of Toxic Traditions. It becomes a Superbowl of Martyrdom when every shred of selfhood disappears into the Bermuda Triangle of Holiday Obligation.
Is there a cure?
Not yet. Whatever drives this compulsion--whether it’s ancestral memories of hoarding for winter, internalized domestic programming or the ultimate holiday horror: the fear of disappointing someone--Oh my god, the pony didn’t make her eyes light up! --OGD has to run its course. A chemical, seasonal, cultural imbalance, in December it becomes the alpha motivator: The Big Dogma. BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE it commands.
SO YOU’RE SINKING IN HOLIDAY DOGMA-DOO.
“Well, maybe if I just get organized,” you say. “Put my to-do list in order.”
Careful--that’s the disease talking.
The Holiday To-Do list has a life of its own. It grows faster than a B-Movie mutation. Forget trying to contain it. A need-meeter’s brain is a warm moist incubator for this fungus.
The only hope of surviving the Curse of Caring Too Much is to leave the monster alone and attack the lesser demons: the Beta stressors--those second-string compulsions.
You can start by turning your imagination around.
USING YOUR WHAT-IFS FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL
We’re great at imagining the family unit will go supernova if we don’t live up to our over-doing reputations. In retrospect it’s always obvious: holidays never meet everyone’s expectations. And does it matter? Are lives lost?
Imagination can be an ally when we ask:
Would the world come to an end if I made potatoes from a box?
Would the dinner table turn into Lord of the Flies if I didn’t sculpt every family pet out of marzipan this year?
Would Charlie end up in therapy for abandonment issues if I didn't crochet his name onto that videogame cozy?
Congratulate yourself every time you let go of omnipotence.
But when you’re up against Toxic Traditions, you’ll need more in your arsenal than just what-ifs.
Dogma-doers must minimize their exposure to the needs of others.
PINK LIES
Remember Little White Lies? They spare the feelings of others. Pink lies spare your own as well!
Need-meeters are obligation magnets. They cannot screen out the pleading eyes or the passive-aggressive demands. Excuses that buy you a little time out are crucial because absence is an anal accommodator’s only defense.
There are three basic categories of Pink Lies:
Why you have to leave early.
Why you have to come late.
Why you have to leave in the middle.
EXAMPLES:
THE MEDICAL STAND-BY: I have: (pick one: allergies, female troubles, New Guinea Flu or if necessary: “some kind of oozing pussy rash”)
THE BIG GUNS: “I have to go in for a pre-surgical consultation and I won’t be able to fly out that day”
THE POOR ME: “I made two huge pots of my favorite ginger Sherry pumpkin soup and then I set it on top of my car and drove off. Maybe next year.”
THE I’LL BE RIGHT BACK: “I forgot to get the sour cream—No, it’s a special l kind and I am the only one who knows where to find it.” When you return after three blissful hours, bravely recount your wretched Odyssey to twenty-six 7-11’s.
THE NOT MY FAULT: My husband decided to go find his birth mother, we’re leaving for the Philippines tonight. (Always use someone else as your excuse whenever possible.)
From the banal to the sublime, migraines to court-ordered community service, the Pink Lie buys you a little separation from your demanding fans. But don’t forget you need to stay one step ahead of your internal Perfection Police.
SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE: SWEET BLESSED FAILURE
It’s important to set yourself up for failure. Yes, for failure.
For falling short of your massive potential. Not an easy task for an OGD. You must plan carefully and remain vigilant.
MAKING YOUR TO-DON’T LIST
An anal accommodator is incapable of limiting the guest list to three digits or stopping at sixteen sets of meringue crèche figures. She cannot spend less, do less, coddle less, say yes less. So she must look for something that she can eliminate. Naturally, it will be a non-holiday related task since the whole Yule area of the brain has been taken over by MARTIAL LAW.
Ask yourself: Where can I economize my energy?
If you were devoting extra hours to anther kind of winter disaster like clearing mudslides, housing the homeless, you would probably lighten up on routine domestic chores at home. Cut yourself the same slack.
Try out this delicious TO-DON’T LIST SAMPLER
Don’t change clothes for three days.
Don’t cook anything but microwave food on Fridays and Tuesdays.
Don’t help your son with homework on Mondays.
Don’t clean the refrigerator.
Don't volunteer cupcakes.
Don’t change the sheets till New Year’s.
Be sure and WRITE DOWN your To-Don’t List
And when you have not done them, check them off proudly! You stole back a little time. That’s a rare achievement for a compulsive Dogma-Doer—truly something to celebrate!
About The Author
Joan Bechtel, award-winning comedienne, early childhood educator and author of MOTHERHOOD CONFIDENTIAL, is a Personalized Parenting speaker, helping women out of the dogma-doo to find their own personally-correct answers. For free tips and workshop info go to http://www.MotherhoodConfidential.com
The gods don’t ask for human sacrifice anymore, do they? Then why do millions of women turn themselves into burnt offerings each winter?
It hits about mid-November: Obsessive Giving Disorder. Turning ordinary women into Nurturing Ninjas. Hopped-up on hospitality hormones, they launch into a frenzy of baking, shopping, decorating, crocheting, hosting, serving, costuming, shopping, wrapping, preserving and worshipping madly at the altar of Toxic Traditions. It becomes a Superbowl of Martyrdom when every shred of selfhood disappears into the Bermuda Triangle of Holiday Obligation.
Is there a cure?
Not yet. Whatever drives this compulsion--whether it’s ancestral memories of hoarding for winter, internalized domestic programming or the ultimate holiday horror: the fear of disappointing someone--Oh my god, the pony didn’t make her eyes light up! --OGD has to run its course. A chemical, seasonal, cultural imbalance, in December it becomes the alpha motivator: The Big Dogma. BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE it commands.
SO YOU’RE SINKING IN HOLIDAY DOGMA-DOO.
“Well, maybe if I just get organized,” you say. “Put my to-do list in order.”
Careful--that’s the disease talking.
The Holiday To-Do list has a life of its own. It grows faster than a B-Movie mutation. Forget trying to contain it. A need-meeter’s brain is a warm moist incubator for this fungus.
The only hope of surviving the Curse of Caring Too Much is to leave the monster alone and attack the lesser demons: the Beta stressors--those second-string compulsions.
You can start by turning your imagination around.
USING YOUR WHAT-IFS FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL
We’re great at imagining the family unit will go supernova if we don’t live up to our over-doing reputations. In retrospect it’s always obvious: holidays never meet everyone’s expectations. And does it matter? Are lives lost?
Imagination can be an ally when we ask:
Would the world come to an end if I made potatoes from a box?
Would the dinner table turn into Lord of the Flies if I didn’t sculpt every family pet out of marzipan this year?
Would Charlie end up in therapy for abandonment issues if I didn't crochet his name onto that videogame cozy?
Congratulate yourself every time you let go of omnipotence.
But when you’re up against Toxic Traditions, you’ll need more in your arsenal than just what-ifs.
Dogma-doers must minimize their exposure to the needs of others.
PINK LIES
Remember Little White Lies? They spare the feelings of others. Pink lies spare your own as well!
Need-meeters are obligation magnets. They cannot screen out the pleading eyes or the passive-aggressive demands. Excuses that buy you a little time out are crucial because absence is an anal accommodator’s only defense.
There are three basic categories of Pink Lies:
Why you have to leave early.
Why you have to come late.
Why you have to leave in the middle.
EXAMPLES:
THE MEDICAL STAND-BY: I have: (pick one: allergies, female troubles, New Guinea Flu or if necessary: “some kind of oozing pussy rash”)
THE BIG GUNS: “I have to go in for a pre-surgical consultation and I won’t be able to fly out that day”
THE POOR ME: “I made two huge pots of my favorite ginger Sherry pumpkin soup and then I set it on top of my car and drove off. Maybe next year.”
THE I’LL BE RIGHT BACK: “I forgot to get the sour cream—No, it’s a special l kind and I am the only one who knows where to find it.” When you return after three blissful hours, bravely recount your wretched Odyssey to twenty-six 7-11’s.
THE NOT MY FAULT: My husband decided to go find his birth mother, we’re leaving for the Philippines tonight. (Always use someone else as your excuse whenever possible.)
From the banal to the sublime, migraines to court-ordered community service, the Pink Lie buys you a little separation from your demanding fans. But don’t forget you need to stay one step ahead of your internal Perfection Police.
SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE: SWEET BLESSED FAILURE
It’s important to set yourself up for failure. Yes, for failure.
For falling short of your massive potential. Not an easy task for an OGD. You must plan carefully and remain vigilant.
MAKING YOUR TO-DON’T LIST
An anal accommodator is incapable of limiting the guest list to three digits or stopping at sixteen sets of meringue crèche figures. She cannot spend less, do less, coddle less, say yes less. So she must look for something that she can eliminate. Naturally, it will be a non-holiday related task since the whole Yule area of the brain has been taken over by MARTIAL LAW.
Ask yourself: Where can I economize my energy?
If you were devoting extra hours to anther kind of winter disaster like clearing mudslides, housing the homeless, you would probably lighten up on routine domestic chores at home. Cut yourself the same slack.
Try out this delicious TO-DON’T LIST SAMPLER
Don’t change clothes for three days.
Don’t cook anything but microwave food on Fridays and Tuesdays.
Don’t help your son with homework on Mondays.
Don’t clean the refrigerator.
Don't volunteer cupcakes.
Don’t change the sheets till New Year’s.
Be sure and WRITE DOWN your To-Don’t List
And when you have not done them, check them off proudly! You stole back a little time. That’s a rare achievement for a compulsive Dogma-Doer—truly something to celebrate!
About The Author
Joan Bechtel, award-winning comedienne, early childhood educator and author of MOTHERHOOD CONFIDENTIAL, is a Personalized Parenting speaker, helping women out of the dogma-doo to find their own personally-correct answers. For free tips and workshop info go to http://www.MotherhoodConfidential.com
The Perks of Global Warming
by: Nola L. Kelsey
Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.
Then I got to the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”
Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream ‘yummy’ to me.
While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!
Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to mention offering new, SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?
About The Author
Zoologist turned satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and coauthor of the twisted political satire Keeping the Masses Down. Her newsletter, Nomadic Muse, tracks Kelsey’s escape from South Dakota normality to her life as a shoestring backpacker in SE Asia. More excerpts from Bitch Unleashed and subscriptions to Nomadic Muse are available at http://www.NolaKelsey.com
Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.
Then I got to the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”
Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream ‘yummy’ to me.
While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!
Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to mention offering new, SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?
About The Author
Zoologist turned satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and coauthor of the twisted political satire Keeping the Masses Down. Her newsletter, Nomadic Muse, tracks Kelsey’s escape from South Dakota normality to her life as a shoestring backpacker in SE Asia. More excerpts from Bitch Unleashed and subscriptions to Nomadic Muse are available at http://www.NolaKelsey.com
Land of the Rising Gas
by: Kevin Burns
Few people stop to think much about it when they fart. Unless it happens on a crowded elevator,then everyone thinks about it.
You may not have pondered the fact that there are over 400 different kinds of gas in one human fart, and Japanese of course are no exception. Japanese routinely let them rip to the tune of 80 million litres of fart gas every day of the year. I haven`t even included hot air bags like Tokyo Governor Ishihara either! If all the people in the world could be synchronized via the internet to buff on cue, they would emit 4.2 billion litres of butt gas, and that would fill 3.5 Tokyo Domes. Not a pretty picture I know. Just think of the Dome`s maintenance staff!
I have often thought that my friend Doug`s expellations were particularly putrid, but no! According to research, Japanese young women expel especially smelly ones these days due to constipation. Half of the young women of Japan are afflicted. Doctors point to dieting as the culprit in this case. Dieting leads to a loss of muscle tissue in general, and loose stomach muscles in particular, which in turn leads to constipation, and farts that would make even Doug blush!
Help you gasp! I`m dating a Japanese woman, what should I do? Is there anything that can be done, Kev? Unfortunately, I am at a loss and it isn`t only dieting that make some elevators smell like Kawasaki. It is also because the Western diet has found popularity among Japanese palets. Simply put, Japanese are eating more meat.
Indeed, the fast paced lifestyle of Japan leads to increased stress, and worsens one`s intestinal condition. Perhaps because of this busy lifestyle, people don`t have as much time to exercise. Without regular exercise, we aren`t regular, and our bowels don`t move smoothly (extend and shrink well--as one Tokyo doctor, a proctologist I presume, was quoted as saying).
One shocking part of the study revealed that if you try to prevent a fart, it will actually get you in more trouble and could affect your love life! If you refuse to fluff one (as my Uncle Stan used to say), then the gas is absorbed into your blood and travels to your lungs. Then it comes out of your mouth, smelling just as terrible. Let one rip before you exchange lips with your special someone I like to say. It is a shame when couples break up over mouth farts. It wasn`t that garlic your partner ate the night before.
This problem isn`t purely a Japanese one of course, it also takes place in space. After a fatal accident involving Apollo 1, NASA was forced to re-evaluate their safety measures. The accident involved gas and some at NASA suggested that even one fart might have caused the calamity. They started their analysis at that point. Finding that farts contain methane, they proved that farts can burn. Herman, my boy scout buddy regularly proved that on camp outs, but that`s another story.
NASA analysed many farts and found that some do not include methane. It depended on what the farter had eaten. Eating carbohydrates tends to produce a methane based fart, while eating meat or space food that is meat based, produces an expellation that is methane free or low in methane. This tends to cause the fartee (or recipient of the fart) to do a severe space gag, and possibly knock one of the controls out of whack. This of course could lead to a serious accident.
The drawback to all of these findings was, that low carbohydrate space food doesn`t produce the dreaded methane fart, but does produce a fart like Doug`s. In space, no one can hear you fart! But they can sure as hell smell a fart after some gaseous Neil Armstrong has had his ration of low carb space food. It stinks up the whole lunar module man! No wonder few astronauts ever opted for a second mission and everyone wanted to go for a space walk! Japanese astronaut Mamoru Mouri, who served on the Space Shuttle remarked that when someone farts in space it doesn`t dissipate, "...it becum rump of gasu travelling through space shuttle. Sometime it strike fellow astronaut nose. Honto ni kusai!" (It smells just terrible,") he related. "It often happen in shuttle, but feeling is mutual," he finalized.
So there you have it, let`s be careful out there; and as my father saw on a Scottish grave stone:
"Aire we be, let wind blow free."
by Kevin Burns
at great personal risk
(Researched by T. Yamaki under much duress.
*Ms. Yamaki has shown no side effects, so far, from this research.)
About The Author
Kevin Burns is a writer and entrepreneur living in Japan. When not editing his guide: http://www.travel-central-japan.com He can be found teaching at his English school http://www.eikaiwa1.com or managing the family store: http://www.import-food-japan.com Where he constantly wonders who cut the cheese?
Editors are free to use this article but may not make any changes and all links must be active.
Few people stop to think much about it when they fart. Unless it happens on a crowded elevator,then everyone thinks about it.
You may not have pondered the fact that there are over 400 different kinds of gas in one human fart, and Japanese of course are no exception. Japanese routinely let them rip to the tune of 80 million litres of fart gas every day of the year. I haven`t even included hot air bags like Tokyo Governor Ishihara either! If all the people in the world could be synchronized via the internet to buff on cue, they would emit 4.2 billion litres of butt gas, and that would fill 3.5 Tokyo Domes. Not a pretty picture I know. Just think of the Dome`s maintenance staff!
I have often thought that my friend Doug`s expellations were particularly putrid, but no! According to research, Japanese young women expel especially smelly ones these days due to constipation. Half of the young women of Japan are afflicted. Doctors point to dieting as the culprit in this case. Dieting leads to a loss of muscle tissue in general, and loose stomach muscles in particular, which in turn leads to constipation, and farts that would make even Doug blush!
Help you gasp! I`m dating a Japanese woman, what should I do? Is there anything that can be done, Kev? Unfortunately, I am at a loss and it isn`t only dieting that make some elevators smell like Kawasaki. It is also because the Western diet has found popularity among Japanese palets. Simply put, Japanese are eating more meat.
Indeed, the fast paced lifestyle of Japan leads to increased stress, and worsens one`s intestinal condition. Perhaps because of this busy lifestyle, people don`t have as much time to exercise. Without regular exercise, we aren`t regular, and our bowels don`t move smoothly (extend and shrink well--as one Tokyo doctor, a proctologist I presume, was quoted as saying).
One shocking part of the study revealed that if you try to prevent a fart, it will actually get you in more trouble and could affect your love life! If you refuse to fluff one (as my Uncle Stan used to say), then the gas is absorbed into your blood and travels to your lungs. Then it comes out of your mouth, smelling just as terrible. Let one rip before you exchange lips with your special someone I like to say. It is a shame when couples break up over mouth farts. It wasn`t that garlic your partner ate the night before.
This problem isn`t purely a Japanese one of course, it also takes place in space. After a fatal accident involving Apollo 1, NASA was forced to re-evaluate their safety measures. The accident involved gas and some at NASA suggested that even one fart might have caused the calamity. They started their analysis at that point. Finding that farts contain methane, they proved that farts can burn. Herman, my boy scout buddy regularly proved that on camp outs, but that`s another story.
NASA analysed many farts and found that some do not include methane. It depended on what the farter had eaten. Eating carbohydrates tends to produce a methane based fart, while eating meat or space food that is meat based, produces an expellation that is methane free or low in methane. This tends to cause the fartee (or recipient of the fart) to do a severe space gag, and possibly knock one of the controls out of whack. This of course could lead to a serious accident.
The drawback to all of these findings was, that low carbohydrate space food doesn`t produce the dreaded methane fart, but does produce a fart like Doug`s. In space, no one can hear you fart! But they can sure as hell smell a fart after some gaseous Neil Armstrong has had his ration of low carb space food. It stinks up the whole lunar module man! No wonder few astronauts ever opted for a second mission and everyone wanted to go for a space walk! Japanese astronaut Mamoru Mouri, who served on the Space Shuttle remarked that when someone farts in space it doesn`t dissipate, "...it becum rump of gasu travelling through space shuttle. Sometime it strike fellow astronaut nose. Honto ni kusai!" (It smells just terrible,") he related. "It often happen in shuttle, but feeling is mutual," he finalized.
So there you have it, let`s be careful out there; and as my father saw on a Scottish grave stone:
"Aire we be, let wind blow free."
by Kevin Burns
at great personal risk
(Researched by T. Yamaki under much duress.
*Ms. Yamaki has shown no side effects, so far, from this research.)
About The Author
Kevin Burns is a writer and entrepreneur living in Japan. When not editing his guide: http://www.travel-central-japan.com He can be found teaching at his English school http://www.eikaiwa1.com or managing the family store: http://www.import-food-japan.com Where he constantly wonders who cut the cheese?
Editors are free to use this article but may not make any changes and all links must be active.
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